The Death Star VS Schwarzchild Radius

Do you know what I would like to have instead of the Death Star, if I were Darth Vader? 

Let us start from the very beginning. Every astronomy lover knows that you should not come close to the black holes. Every astronomy loving Mom teaches her children not to put their fingers into any black holes to avoid spaghettification and the whole batch of creepy quantum effects.

However if I were Darth Vader I wouldn’t listen to my Mom. I would definitely get involved with black holes and use them as a weapon. Am I an antagonist or a jerk after all?

But to fulfill my evil plan I would have to create the black holes in the places I need. For example, if some useless princess Amidala refuses to… whatever, then I will make a black hole out of the star her planet is orbiting around and I will see how far her stubbornness extends. I will see nothing actually as it will be sucked into the black hole. But nevertheless.

To make this happen I should first borrow some Karl Schwarzchild from a galaxy far, far away. It seems to me that it is called the Creamy Way. Or the Milky Way. Or something.

The next step is to make him explain some math to me. He seems to be a willful guy, so I should maybe kidnap his wife Else and his three children Agathe, Martin and Alfred. By the way, humans have actually made such a mess on their tiny planet that living with Darth Vader will not be such a challenge for the Schwartzchild family. From the other side it will be easier for me to convince the loving Dad to tell me about the radius named after him.

‘Does any object have it?,’ I ask.

‘Sure, Mr. Vader,’ he answers, disturbed a little bit.

‘So what is it, you shrimp?’ I ask again, taking little Martin in my hands.

‘The point is that the gravity pull of every object depends directly on its mass and inversely on its radius, Mr. Vader. Do you understand that?’ a scared scientist asks.

‘Sure,’ I answer, feeling a lack of air in my lungs. It seems to me that this little troublemaker Martin has modified something in my beautiful black mask.

‘Oh I’m so sorry Mr. Vader,’ Karl says, taking his mischief-maker from me. ‘Are you okay? Children can be so naughty sometimes, you can’t even imagine!’

‘I can,’ I answer, taking my breath.

‘I don’t wanna go Daddy!’ Martin starts to whine, reaching out to me. ‘This lady has such a beautiful mask! I want to cover all the holes with plasterboard! It will be colorful! It will be pretty!’

I recoil terrified. 

‘Shhhh!’ Karl says to his angel boy. ‘This is not a lady! And you can’t just cover these mask holes with plasterboard because Mr. Lukas will have no character to make his movies about! Else, take him please!’

Martin goes to his Mom very unhappy.

‘So what were we talking about?’ Karl Schwartzchild says, wiping sweat from his forehead.

‘I don’t remember,’ I answer, still recovering from the hypoxia.

Karl scratches his forehead.

‘Ah, it seems to me that you wanted to take over the entire Far-Far-Away Galaxy?’

‘Sure!’ I answer with a snap of my fingers.

‘And you need to create several black holes in the places you need?’


‘Nothing can be easier in theory, Mr. Vader,’ Karl answers. ‘But…’

‘But what?’ I ask, feeling something is going on behind my back. You just feel such things when you are a Lord of the Sith. But I’m not looking there. I’m too busy now.

‘First of all there on my planet all guys who wanted to take over it all, they… You know, they didn’t finish well…’

‘Shut up!’ I say. ‘I am not going to finish like them. Go on with the black holes.’

‘Sure, Mr. Vader,’ Karl answers, adjusting his glasses. ‘But secondly I must point out that this is all possible just in theory. Let me explain to you. As I mentioned, the gravitational pull of every object depends on its mass and on its radius. You can make a black hole by either increasing the object’s mass (which seems pretty difficult) or reducing its radius.’

‘Just squeezing it?’ I ask, excited by the simplicity of this idea and not watching my back at all.

‘Just?’ Karl asks, coughing. ‘You don’t even imagine to what degree an object must be squeezed! Here I have a formula. Do you see that? For example, the planet I was born on, Earth, has a radius of about 6000 km. Here we go… Two Earth’s masses multiplied by the gravitational constant. And we divide it by the squared speed of light. Do you see, Mr Vader? The planet must be squeezed to a ball with a 8,75 mm radius to make a black hole out of it! So this way is just a theory!’

‘A theory!’ I laugh ‘I had my villain planet squeezer somewhere around.’

Karl pulls his head into his shoulders. I feel like I have beat everyone already. I finally turn back and see that little Agathe is sitting there on the floor with… damn!… scissors making something with my gorgeous black cloak!

Else splashes her hands and rushes to help me.

‘We are so sorry, kind Mr. Vader, we are so sorry!..’

I take my cloak out of the little hands furiously. ‘Gosh! And those people say I’m an evil incarnate after all?!’

‘I didn’t do anything bad Mommy!’ Agathe starts crying immediately. ‘I’ve just cut stars on the cloak! I did it for that beautiful lady! I did it!’

‘I am not a lady!’ I shout. I should cut this cloak with my red sword. Otherwise all the stormtroopers will laugh at me.

Agathe roars on. That girlie is literally drilling my ears.

‘Okay,’ I say, trying to shout her down. I would manage to do that, if I didn’t have that damn shortness of breath. ‘Thank you for your formula, a scientist from the Creamy Way Galaxy. Now gather all of your children and get out of there!’

Karl looks back at Else.

‘Maybe we could stay, Mr. Vader?’

‘What?!’ I shout so loud that even a little syren shuts down and looks at me with an interest.

Else looks back at Karl this time.

‘Maybe just little Alfred could stay, kind Mr. Vader? He is sweet and quiet. He never misbehaves. My husband and I, we feel that the boy will be more safe with you than on Earth.’

This moment the chief of the stormtroopers bursts into the room.

‘D-d-dark L-l-lord!’ he mumbles.

‘What happened?’ I ask, feeling with all the Jedi and Sith wisdom that I will hear the word “Alfred” now.

‘L-l-little Alfred Sch… Sch… Schw…’ he starts crying.

I look at the Schwartzchild couple in silence. My breathing grows heavy. They look quite innocent, pretending that they are not responsible for that next mess.

‘What the hell happened?’ I ask menacingly.

The chief of the stormtroopers finally gathers himself up and whimpers, ‘Litt-ttle devil… He made us repeat Sch… Schw…’ he starts crying again. ‘His last name f-f-for hundreds of times. N-n-now half of our troops went mad, and half of them st-st-stutter!’ He finishes and roars again.

‘Order someone of your people to take a hyperspace ship and hypertake them home,’ I order.

‘Y-y-yes, Sir!’ he answers joyfully with great relief.

The Schwartzchild couple reluctantly walks toward the door. Else holds Martin in her arms and Karl holds Agathe. Both rascals show me their tongues and make faces. The parents talk to each other quietly.

‘It’s a pity little Alfred couldn’t stay with kind Mr. Vader,’ Else says.

‘Yes honey,’ Karl answers. ‘But I feel that this Mr. Vader will not finish well, poor thing.’

‘Ah darling, for sure little Alfred will be more safe with him,’ the mother sights. *

The door is locked behind them. The chief of the stormtroopers standing behind my back giggles suddenly.

‘What?’ I ask.

‘N-n-nice stars, Dark Lord!’ he answers.

Damn girl. Damn scissors. Damn Creamy Way.

* Alfred Schwarzschild (1914-1944) remained in Nazi Germany and was murdered during the Holocaust.



Copyright © 2023 Alex Romano All rights reserved

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the author.

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